N'awlins at heart

Friday, August 24, 2007

All I wanted was a massage.

Last Sunday I woke up sore. You know how you sleep wrong, or too long, and your back just hurts? That's what it was. My lower back was killing me. So, after a short discussion, W1 and I decide we should go get massages. i have never had a massage, nor have I been to a massage parlor, so I didn't know what to expect. Which looking back was probably a good thing.

W1 got her hair done Saturday and said she saw a Massage Parlor in the same strip mall. I was a little reluctant, but figured, why not? So we both took showers before we headed out. (I would imagine they wouldn't be impressed rubbing all over me with oil and funk, still having sleep crust in my eyes, armpit stinking, you know the deal). So we go to this place, walk in the front door, and it looked like any other shop. There were bamboo figurines on the tables, stuff like that. W1 asks the lady who came out (dressed in an indescribable outfit. 1 word, hoochie!) if they do couples full body massages. She says yes and points us to our separate rooms. Confused I walk into my room. About 30 seconds later a young lady walks in wearing some kind of "teddy". I found this odd, since all the massages I've seen in movies the masseuse wears a white outfit. Before I even had time to think about it, the original lady walks in and says to give the "teddy" lady $30 cash afterwards. I inform them that I do not have any cash on me, and that I am here for a "REAL BODY MASSAGE". So the hoochie tells me to just charge a $30 tip on the credit card. And that she was going to inform W1. I started to wonder if W1 knew what this place was and just wanted to give me a "hook up". Was it my birthday or something?

After all that was over, the "teddy" lady instructs me to take off my clothes. I strip to my boxers (as W1 and I discussed what happens and she said they have you strip to your underwear). I am then informed I am supposed to be totally nude. Feeling a little uncomfortable being totally nude in front of some stranger I went ahead anyway. I laid on the table and started to get my massage. Soon, the "teddy" lady climbs on my back and puts all of her weight on her knees which are in the small of my back. After a few seconds she moves up a few inches, rinse, repeat... By the end she was on her knees with all of her weight between my shoulder blades. I could barely inhale.

After a while she instructs me to flip over and starts with my legs, etc. She got real close to the, um, equipment, and I got a little nervous. One of my biggest fears about getting a massage was that if would feel really good and well, things come up. I concentrated so hard to keep this issue from happening. After about an hour I hear the hoochie yell something in another language through the door. "Teddy" girl responds in the same language. About 2 minutes later she informs me that I should go shower. Sounded good to me, I had oil all over me anyway. When I got back she told me to get dressed, and that W1 has been waiting for me. She asked if I enjoyed my massage, and I responded "Yes, it was very relaxing. I would definitely come back again". To this she tells me "You no come back here, you too much work". I guess an hour of actual massage is more work than a 5 minute quickie. That's how I took it anyway. Who knew?

Short story long, I'm pretty sure I got a legitimate massage in a whore house. Interesting. Any doubts I had before hand were answered when she unlocked the door to let me out. Yes, the same door that was not locked when we came in. Apparently they didn't want to get raided by the cops while they were "working". All I can really say is W1 is the best wife ever! How many wives bring their husbands to whore houses?

Houston never ceases to amaze me.

3 Comments:

At 7:18 PM, Blogger Patti said...

Oh, crap!! You two are something else...

 
At 4:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was hilarious! But, what happened to W1 while you were getting your massage? There must be a story there.

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger H1 said...

She was also getting a massage and got drooled on. Twice. But I'll let her get into that one.

 

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